Me and My Racial Thoughts

I'm not a racist. But in case I'm like so bored to death, usually after stare a mirror in the morning... I wish I were just different. I know it will never happen, anyhow. And umm fantasies are deserved to be just it, which is why I always feel ashamed for having such a thought. I will always end up regretting, like masturbation. 

And yet now it leads to be written down here.

How does it feel being curly haired? In instance I will need no comb and since everybody has to be straight in all kinds of things and they have hot iron at salon, my curly could be so in contrast. Having curls is just what common people in eastern part of Indonesia have. I sometimes wanna be that one, with that curl and super-tan skin... anything that makes my smile more noticeable ;). People around would start having a conversation with me for all I have had since I was born. For my phenotype. Just something for the topic, it would be so nice. Well like having said that I look exotic and stuff, while they don't even know what exotic really is. But to stand up for being so different, I personally couldn't be any happier.

How does it feel being fair skinned? On the street of sunshine day I would be the one who looks so literally bright, and since people here so obsessed staring white expats (for that I am just disgusted), they would keep an eye on me and bam, there I am on the spot! It's just my opinion or it's a custom that people here (can't say whole Indonesian but it's pretty major) really take skin color for social "stratification". I mean like thinking "you brown you poor, you powder you rich". Not that I don't know that Dutch colonialism could possibly made this up, but hey this kind of mind has to be end right now. While I'm dreaming about "being white", I sometimes hypocritically feel bad for people who risk themselves by having toxic whitening lotions on their skin, pour chemical things that is believed to make you whiter but possibly lead to skin cancer... well for confidence and stereotype, how couldn't it be so much worth it? -_-

How does it feel having obviously-colored eyes? I do have colored, but that's just not obvious. It's brown, but I have to wait for blitz until I can see it brown. Otherwise it's all black as abyss. I see obviously-colored eyed people are so captivating, no matter blue or hazel. I see it like an ocean to sink in. I could get lost inside that eye. Wish I could just stare it forever against the mirror. Some people wear that color lenses just to accommodate their desire. I wish I hadn't have this closed mind but I think it's just pathetic. Other people choose iris transplant that is more believable and promising. You know what, it was a morning when I thought I would take that transplant one day, for blue iris. But minutes went and I thought I was just being so idiot for letting that idea blinked on me. I could end up suffering glaucoma or blindness. There are living proofs, and you can see just by heading on YouTube. Any people who gave their testimony about their happiness having an iris transplant where it was like dream comes true and they were totally satisfied... it was all in contract. World is just so fake on me. And I am too dumb for myself.

This is all I can say. As Glozell always states: foolishness! Yep I am not any better than that. This leads me to feel so pathetic then try to convince myself that mine is unconditionally fine. There's always two sides on my mind. They don't look like an angel and an evil. Here, it's just like two sounds speaking at the same time but oppositely stating. And I keep shuffling. One says I should take a pride of myself no matter what, and another fucking one says I always can be that one that I dream of, by surgery. I'm just freaking confused and in the end, I'm just me. No matter how hard I wanna be. Can't change DNA.

I will always be like this. Black haired. Brown-but-not-so-obviously-seen eyed. Partially tan skinned. This height! This nose! This bone structure! This attitude! And don't even think about races. I'm not sure human races exist. I prefer terms like ethnic, ancestor, or descent. We're not pure races anymore, it's just mixed up for centuries. Soo... if there is any racist-enough acceptation form that asking my race (just like the newest one that I filled, SNMPTN form), I don't know what to say. I can't identify, and I won't. I'm a human, well... with probably Asian or African or Oceanic descents, but it's just me in this guy with his temporary-jealousy-of-other-people's-phenotype and cares with no race, so he ends up writing on his blog about this.